How Did We Get Here?
by sirtosspot
Summary: Years in the future, Dean is dragged to couple counseling by Castiel.  a few flashback scenes as well  Dean/Cas
1. Chapter 1

_How did I get here? _That is all Dean can think and he glances around the waiting room. The walls alone make him cringe. They are so dull but they are all he can look at. They take his mind off whatever horrors await him in the next room. The waiting room is empty except him and Cas. They haven't said a word to each other since they checked in. They hadn't said much to each other in about week. He looks down at his hands, the same hands that used to behead vampires and kill demons are now clean, and it unsettles him. His eyes fall on the ring on his left hand. Castiel gave it to him. Something about promises to each other and it was made from wood from some famous biblical tree. There is an engraving on the inside, something in ___Enochian_. Dean never bothered to learn what it was, maybe he should have. He glances over at Cas and suddenly has an urge to reach out and grab his hand, but he fights it. Public displays of affection are out of the question. That of course was his only stipulation.

"Winchester." Dean looks up at the young receptionist standing in the doorway and nods at her. "Please follow me." Cas is the first one to stand, eager to start. Dean groans and slowly follows. They enter a room even more depressing then the last. Two very uncomfortable looking chairs face a very imposing desk. "Take a seat Dr. Milson will be with you shortly." She walks out and shuts the door, leaving Cas and Dean alone, with their silence.

"Cas, what are we doing here?" Dean asks in a hushed tone. He doesn't want to be there, this wasn't his idea. He hates the whole concept of therapy, let alone couples therapy. He's pretty sure that in the realm of couples he and Cas aren't exactly textbook. What could some guy with fancy degree tell them that Dean doesn't already know?

"We are here to talk. That is what couples do when they have problems, isn't it?"

"We aren't a couple." Dean immediately regrets saying that. The look of hurt in Cas' eyes actually makes him cringe. He didn't mean it to sound so bitter. "I meant by the normal standards."

"Can we just give it a chance?" Cas looks so hopeful, as if he is convinced that this will solve all their problems. Even though Dean knows that their problems are too big for them to tackle. Which is exactly why they ignore them, taking on the devil is possible, taking on years of emotional turmoil and heartache he never wanted to handle, Dean knows he isn't ready for this. However, Cas has mastered the puppy dog eyes.

"Alright, one chance." Dean collapses into an open chair. His head was already throbbing; this was going to be a long day.

Dr. Milson suddenly enters the room. He looks ridiculous. His clothes don't match and he has two pairs of glasses, a pair perched atop his balding head and a pair hanging off his nose. Dean represses the desire to make fun of him. Insulting the doctor on the first day is something that Cas would deem 'intentional sabotage'.

"Dean and Castiel, it's nice to meet you, I'm Dr. Milson." Dean just nods while Cas stands up to shake the doctor's hand. "Now, what brings the two of you to my office?"

Dean doesn't say a word. He doesn't know why they are there. Things were fine. They could be better, but they were fine. "We have having relationship issues." Blurts out Cas. "And I believe that it is customary when there are issues to come to counseling to sort them out."

"Well, I don't know about customary but it's true that a lot of couples that hit a rough patch seek counseling in order to sort out whatever issues they might be facing. Mr. Winchester I sense that you don't agree". Dean suddenly felt hot; it was like high school when he got called on for an answer that he never knew.

"Uh, I just-I just don't see how a few hours talking to some guy who doesn't know us is going to help us with whatever problems we may or may not be having." Dean hated being here. Why couldn't they go home? Just collapse into bed and forget about the whole fight. That's how it all started, one little fight.

Well maybe little doesn't cover it properly. He had never seen Cas that upset, other than the time he took a beating in the alley. But this was a different fight. He could still feel the sting of Cas' words, how much it pained him, the look on Cas' face. He could barely remember what the fight was about. It had started small, silly really. Dean didn't think it would explode into what it was, but here they were.

"Well, why don't we start at the beginning?" Cas and Dean look at each other. The beginning, well it seemed so far away. It also seems impossible to put into words. How could they possibly describe everything that happened to them over the years? Cas pulling him out of hell, the apocalypse, everything. "In your own words what do you think the problem or issue is?"

"Dean has changed, a lot since he stopped traveling. He isn't the same man he used to be. We aren't the same people we used to be, together that is. Of course a lot of things have changed, I know I have, but I made a choice, and it was difficult for me to give up everything for him. But I did." Cas is eager to start and Dean resents that. He doesn't understand why Cas is so willing to talk about it with this man.

"Dean, do you feel as though you have changed?"

"Have I changed?" Dean was getting angry. "Of course I have changed. I spent the majority of my life living in motels and driving cars around the country. I'm not meant for the _domestic_ life. But I choose that, for Cas."

"You can change your way of life but that doesn't mean you have to change who you are." Cas snapped at him. Dean remembered a time when Cas didn't always just say what was on his mind. When he was reserved, almost robotic in his mannerisms. Sometimes he lays awake and night and just watches Cas sleep, wondering if they will ever be as happy as they once were.

"Cas…" Dean doesn't know what to say after that. He doesn't want to fight here; he doesn't want to fight ever.

"Alright, let's go back to before the change. What was the relationship like before this change?"

"I do not understand your question." Dean laughs, remembering all those things Cas never used to understand. His ignorance was endearing.

"Basically Cas, what were we like before, well now." Cas looks at him and for a moment their eyes meet. Dean can't bear to look away. He remembers staring into those blue eyes. They gave him comfort, some sort of solace, even when the entire world seemed it was coming to an end. Those eyes, so full of emotion an angel shouldn't have, meant the world to him.

"Ah, okay. Clearly we need to go back a bit further. How did the two of you meet?"

"I gripped him tight and –"

"He saved my life." Dean interrupts. Cas declaring that he raised Dean from hell was sure to garner a few raised eyebrows and a trip to the loony-bin. "Yeah, I was in a dark, terrible place and uh-Cas, well he got to me when no one else could."

Dean wants to touch his shoulder. He does it sometimes, when Cas is off somewhere, or he just wants a reminder of who they used to be. Sure the handprint has faded over time, but it's still there.

"Did you ever thank him for that?"

"Did I what?" Dean is taken aback by the question.

"No." There is a bitterness he had never heard before in Cas' voice.

"_No?"_ Dean couldn't remember if he thanked Cas, but he was angry that Cas was angry. Dean had saved his ass and Dean never got thanks. Dean had saved a lot of people and had never gotten thanked. So Cas dragged him out of the pit, big deal. Who said he wanted to be saved, or deserved it?

"You don't agree Dean?"

"Yeah, I mean even if I hadn't thanked him in words I most certainly made sure he knew I was thankful."

"How exactly did you do that Dean? I gave up everything for you, multiple times. What did you do for me? You stopped hunting. I gave up _everything._ I turned away from my brothers and sisters; I left my home, everything that I knew, because of you. You gave up a life that wasn't much of a life to begin with. You didn't lose anything."

"Oh, so that's what this is about. If you didn't want to leave you didn't have to Cas. I didn't ask you to leave everything behind. I didn't ask you to give it all up for me. That was your choice. Not mine."

"You didn't ask. That's exactly the point. You didn't have to ask, because you basically expected it. You just knew that with one look I would do whatever you wanted." They were shouting now.

Dean didn't know what to say. This was exactly like the argument they had before, but Cas hadn't said this much, opened up this much. "So this is what you've been waiting to say. If you regret it so much then why don't you leave?" Immediate regret. Sometimes he does this thing where he talks and doesn't think.

"Alright, I am going to stop you right there." Dean didn't realize that his hands were clenched. He was upset, more upset than he had been in a long time. It was bad enough they were fighting but here, in the doctor's office. In front of this stranger who didn't know them, who didn't know what they had been through over the years. "Why don't we just take a deep breath and step back. Dean, why don't you tell me why you don't think you thanked Cas."

"I don't know." He wants to be invisible for a moment. Suddenly he is acutely aware of all the things he has never thanked Cas for. Saving his life, multiple times, leaving behind heaven be with him. "I honestly never thought about it."

He doesn't know what else to say. He glances over at Cas, shame in his face. Cas averts his eyes, as if looking at Dean would be too painful.


	2. Chapter 2

_flashback_

_Cas was sitting in the grass. It was funny to see a warrior for God just relaxing in the grass. Well, Sam wasn't sure if what he was doing was relaxing. Sitting with his back straight up, still as a statue._

_ "Dean, are you sure that he is alright?" _

_ "Who? Cas? I'm sure he's fine just in shock." Dean's eyes flick over to the angel's back. A twinge of pain hits him in the gut. Maybe he wasn't okay. It was a pretty big hit he took today. _

_ Sam looks back at Cas again, something isn't right. "I don't know Dean, he usually isn't like this. So…still." _

_ "Hey, Sammy, why don't you do us all a favor and just stop worrying about him. He's an angel he is going to be fine. Just needs a little time to bounce back." Dean knew Sam was right. This wasn't like Cas, it had been a hard day sure, but this reaction wasn't like him. It was too human. _

_ "Alright fine, I'm just saying…" _

_ "I will go talk to him. Will that make you happy?" Dean begrudgingly grabs two bottles of beer and heads down towards Castiel. "Hey." Hey? Is that really all he can say? He suddenly feels embarrassed and wants turn and walk away. Cas turns to him and he knows that he has to stay. _

_ Castiel's blue eyes were so full of pain that Dean couldn't bear to leave him like that. He looked slightly pathetic. "Alright big guy, it's going to be alright." He sits down next to him and offers him a beer. _

_ "Why are you giving me a drink?" Cas looked at Dean, hopelessly unaware. _

_ "It's uh-it's a custom of ours. After a job we drink a beer together." He forces the drink into Cas' hand. _

_ "But why?" Cas was just too endearing sometimes. _

_ "Just drink Cas, you've had a long day." _

_ They drink in silence for a while. Dean begins to say something a few times but suddenly loses his will to say anything. Seeing Cas like this, he has to admit it shakes him at the core. Cas was his pillar. The one who never faltered. They lived through the apocalypse, through the war for heaven, and Cas was always strong through it all. Sure he got angry sometimes and often took it out on Dean. And there were times when he was bitter or upset but he was never like this. He looked as if someone had honestly ripped out his soul. Dean honestly didn't know what to do. He was never good at comforting people. _

_ "Look Cas, I'm sorry." That was honestly the only thing he could think so say. _

_ "You know Dean, I thought that things would be easier when he was dead. " Cas' voice isn't as strong and robotic as it usually is. _

_ "Raphael you mean?"_

_ "I thought that the war was over when he fell from grace. That everything I had fought to protect would be safe." Cas never really talked about the war, what they were fighting for, Dean just knew that it was hard on him. The specifics were something that Cas had to keep to himself, for whatever reason. _

_ Dean had offered, of course, to help but Cas never took him up on the offer. He can still remember all those years ago when Cas made sure he knew that he would rather be on earth with Dean. There were so many things about that moment that were important to Dean. It was the first time he had ever Cas admitted that he liked being with them. It was the first time in a long time Dean cared about something other than finding Sam's soul. It felt so right, that moment. He remembered wanting to give Cas a hug, just hold him as a way to thank him for all the things he had done for them. But hugging Cas wasn't the same as hugging Sammy; he had this feeling that hugging Cas would change everything. He just didn't know what that change would be. _

_ Dean still gets urges to wrap Cas in a large hug, as if he was a small child that needs protecting from the world. He isn't of course. Cas is one of the bravest and strongest beings on the planet. That was something that Dean was absolutely sure of. Yet, he still wanted to protect him. Because at the end of the day Cas was an angel, he wasn't human. He didn't know the pain that Dean felt, he didn't know the human world that Dean loved and despised at the same time. The cruel world that can cut you down in an instant and break every bright and hopeful part of your soul. Cas wasn't a part of that world, and he didn't need to be. _

_ "It's safe now." Why was he so crap at this? "All that you tried to protect and you know…" He cleared his throat out of the awkwardness. _

_ "Was the cause worth it? I killed one of my brothers today Dean, another one of my brothers. He wasn't even an angel anymore. He was just a man. And I killed him, so that heaven would be safe? Heaven is never safe. Especially since our father is rarely there. So I killed a man for no reason." Cas let his voice trail off. He turned his head to look at Dean, but his eyes stayed glued to the ground._

_ "Hey. Come on, look at me." Cas reluctantly does. His eyes so full of pain, and when he looks at Dean it's as if Dean can see his heart breaking. "Castiel, listen to me. There are always going to be hard times. There is always going to be that one moment that you wish you didn't have to face. But you faced it, and you beat it. Yeah, it's going to hurt, but guess what. That's life."_

_ Cas just stares at the grass, his beer untouched in his hands. Dean instinctively wraps his arm around Cas' shoulder and pulls him towards him. For the first time he didn't think about what it would mean, he just did it. It felt right, the two of them sitting there in silence. Dean knew that tomorrow there would be another monster, and that Cas might never recover from what happened that day. But this moment, for him, would always be perfect. Well as perfect as their imperfect lives could be._


	3. Chapter 3

"Maybe I should have said thank you." Dean resigns. He just wants to get out of the room, its suffocating him.

Cas finally met his gaze. His eyes aren't as angry as before, but there is still a hint of resentment.

"Alright, that is a start. Dean is there anything that you want to say to Castiel, or you want him to say to you?"

"No, not really." Dean just wanted to leave.

"Nothing at all. You know, Dean some say that therapy has helped them through a lot. Talking through whatever is going on might be just what you need." He couldn't take it anymore. This doctor didn't know him. Dean doesn't talk, he buries it all deep down inside. Who wants to talk about all that dark stuff? Well Sammy used to, but that was Sammy. He always wanted to talk about everything. But not Dean, talking about things often lead to pain. If there is anything that he has learned it is that feelings are something you never talk about.

"Look, Doc, I'm sure that what you do is great and helps couples or whatever but I really don't think we need to be here. Cas wanted a thank you, he got a thank you."

"Technically you just said you should have thanked me, you didn't actually say tha-"

"Cas, not now." Dean felt bad snapping at Cas, but he was trying to make a point not get in another fight. "I'm just saying, we aren't that couple you can fix by making us talk. Our problems aren't run of the mill problems you see every day. Our problems are dark and twisted and deal with things you don't even believe in. Our entire relationship is based on something, which if we tried to explain it to you, you would probably send us to be locked up somewhere. So, before you just lump us in some category and try and pretend you know how to fix us, understand one thing. We aren't normal." It was more than he had intended to say, but it felt good having it off his chest. People always assumed things about his relationship with Cas. They always acted as if they had all the information and therefore could pass judgment on their lives and their relationship. Which of course, they didn't know everything so their assumptions were wrong as well.

No one said anything for a moment. Dean wasn't sure what he should do. Part of him just wanted to walk out the door, but part of him knew that he had to stay. He glanced over at Cas who was sitting stiffly in the chair next to him staring at the doctor as if trying to force him to speak, to say anything to break the silence. Dean had been on the receiving end of that glare a time or two before and he was thankful it wasn't him this time.

"Explain it to me." The doctor finally says, his voice wavering only slightly. "If you aren't normal, explain to me what makes you different."

"Trust me Doc, you don't want to know." Dean was sure that the doctor was just saying that to weasel his way back into the conversation.

"If I am going to help the two of you with your issues, which trust me there is a lot of work to be done, I am going to need to know all the details. This is a room where secrets can be shared. If you trust me I trust you. That's how it is going to work. I need you to trust me."

_Maybe this guy is the real deal. _Dean's momentary thought was enough to lead him to blurt out a lot of information he wasn't planning on ever sharing. "Castiel is an angel. An actual Angel of the Lord. He's got wings and everything. I've never actually seen them, just a shadow of them. And that body, that isn't his real form, it's some poor bastard from Illinois. Don't worry, he prayed for it. A long time ago we stopped the apocalypse along with my brother Sam. When Cas saved my life he actually dragged me out of hell. You know what I used to do for a living? Drive around the country hunting monsters. You know vampires, werewolves, changelings, the scariest things that lurk in the dark. I hunted them and I killed them. That was my life, and then Cas and I, well we…we decided to stop driving around so much and became what we are today." Dean couldn't bring himself to say that they fell in love. It felt weird. The only times he ever told Cas that he loved him were in the privacy of their small apartment. It was a secret that he guarded. For some reason he was sure that if the world knew that he loved Cas something would come and take it away from him. Maybe it was because he often always lost the things he loved. His heart couldn't bear to lose Cas as well.

"And what is that? What have you become today?" Dean suddenly felt embarrassed and the words got stuck somewhere between his brain and his vocal chords.

"I believe the proper term is a couple. I only say that because this is couples counseling. Are we in the wrong place? I called ahead and asked the woman on the phone, she said that we qualified as a couple and that we should come here." Dean suppressed a laugh. He could remember listening to Cas on the phone with the receptionist. He was too annoyed at the moment to truly enjoy the pure humor of listening to an angel trying to explain what he needed help with. Looking back it was one of those truly touching moments of Cas showing how human he is by not being human.

"Of course you are in the right place, unless of course Dean disagrees. Would you say that you are a couple?"

"I guess." Dean didn't like labels. Boyfriends, partners, lovers, they all made him cringe. Why couldn't they just be Dean and Cas, the hunter and the angel? In Dean's mind they defied labels.

"You guess? How about this, do you love him?"

"Yes." It came out as a whisper. He knew Cas had heard it when he felt the angel quickly squeeze his hand. They may have problems but Cas knew Dean, and he knew that this was the hardest thing for him, his love was his, his to give and he gave it to Cas. No one else needed to know that.


	4. Chapter 4

_Dean was used to being attracted to people. It was usually just a moment though. He hadn't really known love until Jo. He was sure with Jo that it was love, but a love between two hunters was never going to work, so he never pursued it. He still felt a pang of guilt every time he remembered their goodbye. Sometimes he would be near tears just remembering that day. "Abandon All Hope" that was what Chuck had titled it when Dean and Sam had found the files on his computer._

_ Dean didn't want to read it but he made himself sit through it. Sometimes, when he was feeling nostalgic he would read back through their lives. Only the good parts though, the good memories. Sometimes he would read it to Cas, just bits before they met, even though Cas knew his whole life already. _

_ He would add commentary; tell Cas about his feelings is specific moments. About when his father died, that was a particularly painful day. Yet he made it through, Cas wanted to know everything. All of the things that Dean felt, all of the moments he treasured and the ones he despised. It felt weird the amount he would talk in a given day, but at the same time it was nice. Having someone to listen, having someone who cared. _

_ "Tell me about your mom." Cas liked to ask questions randomly and at strange times. Dean was doing his laundry in a motel sink at the time of this question. _

_ "What?" Dean was preoccupied with a stain in one of his socks that just didn't want to go away. He didn't know what it was, blood probably. Blood got in everything and never seemed to leave. _

_ "Your mom, what was she like?" Dean stopped rubbing and turned to look at the angel. _

_ "Why do you want to know?" Cas just shrugged, it seemed strangely human. Dean was always surprised about how human Cas was about some things. He didn't know if it was Jimmy coming through or just Cas picking up random mannerisms from spending so much time on earth, but he quite enjoyed it. Before he started acting human it was like talking with a robot. Well sometimes it was still like talking with a robot, but Cas was getting better. _

_ "My mom was great, well what I remember. She was the most beautiful woman, person really. Her spirit was so strong. I remember she used to sing this song to me, about angels watching over me." Dean felt his cheeks get hot when he said that, he didn't understand why. Although it did feel like a secret that Cas shouldn't know. Sometimes he thought that maybe Cas had been watching over him, even back then, but that though always felt silly after he had it. "I remember she used to make great pie. I don't just mean great pie; I mean the greatest pie you will ever taste. I always got a piece after school. And then after she died, I found that was the thing that I missed the most. Those pies and the way she smelled. She smelled of apples and honey. I associate that smell with home." Dean honestly didn't mean to talk that much; it was easy to talk to Cas about stuff like this. _

_ Bringing up their Mom with Sam was completely out of the question. He was still bitter he never had any memories of her. Something that Dean felt slightly bad about, but it wasn't his fault and he wanted to treasure those few untainted memories he couldn't bear to have ruined. _

_ He glanced at Cas who was staring at him intently. He felt uncomfortable; he didn't want to be there anymore. He just felt strange standing in the bathroom of this crappy motel holding a bloody sock. It was awkward. He heard the door open and saw it as his out. "Sam's back with the food. Thank god, I'm starving." He moved quickly out of the bathroom giving Cas a slap on the back. "Food time, hope he brought the pie."_

_

* * *

_

"Is that something that is hard for you to admit Dean?" Dean fought the head rising in his cheeks. It's hard to fight a blush but he did his best because boys do not blush.

"It's something I don't like admitting to strangers." That was the easiest way he could explain it.

"It's like a secret? Are there a lot of secrets that you keep?"

"That's a little personal don't you think doc? I mean I thought this was supposed to be about me and Cas not all the secrets in my head." Dean had a lot of secrets, dark ones for the most part. The truth about what is hiding under the bed, the truth about all monsters people believe to be fictional, the truth about the apocalypse. These were his secrets, there were others but those were the biggest ones.

"You are right, back to you and Cas. How often do the two of you make love?" Dean didn't even try. He was sure that his face had just turned the deepest shade of red.

"And that is not too personal?" Dean muttered under his breath as he shifted uncomfortably in his seat.

"2 times a week." Cas didn't seem bothered by the clear invasion of their personal space. "Although lately it has been a bit more often." _Kill me now._ Dean had lived a pretty good life up until this point, it was as good as any to go ahead and die. _This moment could not be worse._

"And how would you say it is?" _Lies, it just got worse. _Dean sank down in his seat. Maybe if he tried hard enough he could become the chair.

"I am not sure I understand the question."

"Are you pleased with the performance of-"

"Alright. I am just going to have to stop you right there." Dean couldn't take it anymore. "I have to go to the uh-bathroom. You two girls continue this conversation without me." He tried really hard not to run to the door. As soon as he was outside he collapsed onto the floor.


	5. Chapter 5

The receptionist walked over with a box of tissues. "It's going to be okay sir." Dean just stared at her and the tissues.

"Do I look like I'm crying?" Dean was angry and he didn't know why. Maybe he was angry at Cas for dragging him to this stupid place, or maybe he was angry at the doctor for making him feel like a teenager, or maybe he was just angry and the whole world. Why couldn't he just live in peace with Cas? That was the plan, leave behind their lives and go away together and be together and be happy.

Why was happy so hard for him? Maybe it wasn't him, maybe it was the world, and maybe it's impossible for people to be happy. That of course is a stupid thought. Look and Sam and Becky. Happy as a can be, it was enough to melt your fucking heart. He and Cas here happy for a while there, in fact Dean had been under the impression that they still were until Cas sprang this ridiculous plan upon him.

"Sorry sir." The receptionist backed away from Dean slowly and went back to her desk. Dean didn't move. He just sat there silently trying to find the energy to go back in the room. He knew that Cas would stare at him and try and understand what happened, maybe he already did. Cas knew him pretty damn well. He could tell by a look whether or not it had been a good day or a bad one, maybe it was something he had picked up after years of hunting with them. But it was other things too. He remembered things, little tiny details and then put them into use to make Dean feel better after a long day.

One particular memory stood out in his mind. When he and Cas decided to get a place together and try and settle in Dean took a job managing a small gun store. If there was anything Dean knew it was weapons, and it wasn't a huge success but they got by. After a particularly long day and one angry phone call home Dean came back to their apartment to find Cas had tried to cook. Well more like bake. The counters and tables were covered in pies. They were all apple and about 3/4ths of them were burnt. Cas was standing in the middle of the kitchen, his tie askew and flour covering him from head to toe. On the counter in front of him Dean could see the pie, the last one, the perfect one. They ate the entire thing that night.

When Dean had asked Cas why he did it Cas just shrugged. "_You said that your mom used to bake you pie and you had a slice every day after school. I thought we could start that tradition up again." _ After those words left his mouth Dean marched across the kitchen and pulled Cas towards him until their bodies morphed together. It was moments like these that Dean treasured. That image of Cas looking so innocent with the deer-in-the-headlights look flour streaked across his face and powdered in his hair. It was adorable, it was perfect.

After ten minutes Dean finally knew that he had to go back into the room. He couldn't just sit there forever. Morphing into the floor was never going to happen. He just needed to go in there and face embarrassment and anger and everything else.

"Well I understand what you are saying but-"Cas stopped talking as soon as Dean opened the door. His blue eyes found Dean's at once and stared. Dean never found it unsettling or uncomfortable when Cas stared into his eyes, it was more of a comfort.

"Thank you for joining us again Dean. Would you like to take a seat?" Dean wordlessly moved back to his chair and sat down.

"Sorry it took me so long I got lost."

"That's okay; Cas was just telling me about your brother, Sam. He said that the two of you are very close." Dean looked at Cas, confused and Cas just shrugged. "Do you miss being out on the road with him"

"Uh, sometimes I guess. It was a big part of my life, traveling around with Sammy. We went through a lot in those days." Dean almost didn't want to talk about it, and yet at the same time he did. He was never one to be nostalgic about the past that was all Sammy. Yet, sometimes he liked talking about the crappy motels and hole in the wall diners that they got to eat in. Remembering a life before apartments and jobs and bills almost made him miss it, then he remembered paychecks, and Cas, and their home and he knew he made the right choice.

"Why did you give it up?"

"Well it's exhausting after so many years. It's not that I went looking for a new life; it sort of found me - well – us. I don't really know what to tell you. Sammy and I will always have the road, sometimes we go on mini road trips just to remember what it's like, but I have this new life and I'm happy with it." Dean was happy with it but it still felt like a lie. He missed the road, he missed being with his brother, fighting with his brother. He hated to say it but he missed hunting things, saving people, it gave him a sense of accomplishment. Something he never got working at the store. There were new forms of accomplishment though. The first time he got Cas to laugh he considered a small personal victory. He wasn't talking a chuckle either, he was talking full body laugh. It was the greatest moment of their relationship, at least for Dean. That laugh, he will never forget it, because it was after a really hard time on the road, a lot of battles lost in heaven, and everyone was tired and grouchy. Dean insisted on sitting around in silence, mostly because he didn't want to be alone. Sammy had gone off somewhere; Dean had stopped caring, so it was just him and Cas. They sat there for hours barely saying anything.


	6. Chapter 6

_It was comfortable silence, just the way silence should be. There wasn't an urge to say anything, or do anything, just sit there. They let the weight of their burdens slide to the floor. After a few too many beers they were lying on the floor next to each other. Dean forgot that Cas could get drunk, but drunken Cas is one of his favorite things. He is moody, and spontaneous, and funny. He is so human when he is drunk. Dean could remember their hands being so close they were almost touching. Dean doesn't really remember what exactly he said, he just remembered Cas laughing. Maybe it was the strain of the war, or perhaps what Dean had said was actually funny, but Cas just laughed. Dean couldn't help but start laughing as well. So they laughed and then their hands brushed and suddenly Dean felt it. Like a shot of electricity through his entire body._

_ He and Cas had touched before, but it had never felt like this. It was as if his entire body had come to life. He turned his head to look at Castiel whose head was turned towards Dean but his eyes were closed. Clearly he hadn't felt the same thing. Maybe there wasn't anything at all, Dean was just being insane, and that was it. There were no feelings, just delusions. Cas was humming some song that had been on the radio. It sounded a lot like 'Can't fight this Feeling' by REO Speedwagon which just made Dean think of Jo and that empty place in his heart. _

_He moved his hand quickly and turned his body to face Cas, and he just looked at the angel. He felt safe when Cas was around, mostly because Cas was a warrior, and didn't think twice about smiting those who deserved it. Yet it was more than that. Dean knew that no matter what Cas would be there. Watching over him, keeping him safe. They fell asleep that night facing each other, and during the night they had moved so close to each other that their foreheads were touching. Dean wouldn't have minded if Sam hadn't woken them up dying of laughter. _

Somewhere in the distance Dean heard a ding which drew him sharply back to reality. "Well, that's enough for today's session. I'd like to see the two of your next week, same time."

"Hold on, we have to come back?" Cas cleared his throat is if to say _Can you just leave it. _And no, Dean couldn't leave it. Dean did not want to come back; Dean wanted to stay far away from this place. He didn't want to talk about feelings, and sex, and their lives, and it felt as if he had been trapped in a horrible bubble filled with chick flick moments left and right. How was he supposed to do this again, next week?

"Yes, of course Mr. Winchester, you didn't think we would solve all the problems the first day did you?" Dean suddenly felt stupid for actually believing that they could all be solved that day. He didn't even want their problems to be solved. No problems meant boring. Dean was not made for a boring life.

"I guess not." He mumbled as he got up and walked to the door. Cas was right behind him. "See you next week Doc."

Dean waiting till they were in the car to say anything.

"So, are we done with this ridiculous counseling or do you still think we need help?" Dean was angry again. He hated how temperamental his emotions were.

"I actually thought it went well." Cas seemed pleased, too pleased for Dean's liking.

"Went well? Don't you feel like your mind was just groped by doctor mc-feely man? Then again you never did understand the idea of personal space." Dean chuckled. When he first met Cas he hated his complete disregard for Dean's personal bubble, but as the years went by he began to like it, he found comfort in it.

"I personally felt that we are making progress. The doctor said that within a few weeks we could be back to normal."

"Normal? Cas, when have we ever been normal? We aren't normal, we are different. You are an angel for fuck's sake."

"It's just an expression."

"Yeah well I'm not going next week. You asked me to go today, I went and that is the end of it." Dean just wanted it all to be over. He wanted to wake up tomorrow morning and feel Cas next to him; his arms draped over him in his normal protective way and have this whole thing forgotten.

"Why are you fighting this so much?"

"Why are you pushing it?" Dean was getting angrier the more he drove. This whole thing was completely ridiculous.

"Because I want us to be the couple we deserve to be."

"What the fuck is that supposed to mean? Have you been reading Cosmo again? I told you Cas that is for women. Besides, the couple we deserve to be? Who says that we deserve anything? I mean look at us, a hunter and an angel. My soul is so torn to shreds nothing I do can save it, and you, well you've rebelled against heaven twice, killed an archangel and run away to live with me, in what I'm fairly sure would be considered sin. We don't deserve shit." Dean actually meant what he said, and maybe it was a little harsh because Cas fell silent. He felt a little bad about what he said, but who were they to claim they deserve anything. They should be happy to live the lives that they have.

"Dean." Cas' voice sounded different. It was quavering a little but the force behind it was slightly scary. "You may not think that your life is worth much. You may not think that what we have with important or worth fighting for. But never tell me that I don't deserve something. You have your own issues, and that is fine but don't place them on my life." Cas was calm while he spoke but he continued looking straight ahead. Dean knew that if they had looked at each other the calm demeanor would have faded at once. Dean didn't know what to say he suddenly had this urge to barrel roll out of the car and just hitchhike till he found a crummy motel. He didn't though.

"I'm sorry I assumed. I was just-"

"I understand. Dean –"Cas turned to look at him this time. Dean momentarily took his eyes off the road to meet Cas' gaze. "I just – let's go home." And that was the end of it. For the time being anyway.


	7. Chapter 7

Dean didn't wake up to find Cas snuggled close to him. He woke up alone. Still he glanced over his shoulder to make sure he hadn't been dreaming, but his small ounce of hope was silenced at the sight of the empty bed.

Cas' side of the bed was untouched. Dean groaned and stared at the ceiling. This wasn't how it was supposed to be. Cas was supposed to be there next to him. They were supposed to wake up together and eat breakfast. Then Cas was supposed to kiss him goodbye and then he would go to work. Dean never thought he would get used to routine but he quite liked it.

Somewhere in the distance a phone was ringing, Dean didn't care. He was just going to lay there until Cas came back. Every time he closed his eyes he could see Cas' face. It was so full of anger, a look that Dean hadn't seen in years, and a look that scared him. Dean closed his eyes tighter trying to make the image go away but it seemed to be seared there forever.

"Dammit Cas." He was shouting at the ceiling now, great.

He had been under the impression that their fight was over. That when they got home they would put in a movie and all would be fine and Cas would realize he was being silly. Nothing really went as planned.

_"So, what movie do you want to watch, I think it's your turn to pick." Dean headed to their small kitchen. "I'll start the popcorn." _

_ Cas didn't move, he didn't say anything either, he just stood there. "Hey, you alive in there?" Dean popped his head out of the doorway and looked at Cas quizzically._

"_I think we should talk Dean." _

"_I thought we had dropped this."_

"_We have not resolved the issue, why would we drop it?" Dean went to the fridge to grab a beer. _

"_Alright fine, what do you want to talk about?"_

"_Us." Dean rolled his eyes. _

"_Us. Cas, what about us?" _

"_Our problems, our relationship."_

"_Okay, how about you start talking while I drink my beer." Dean didn't want to have this conversation again. He didn't want to discuss their problems, mostly because he didn't think they had any. _

"_I feel as though you do not appreciate me." Cas seems as though he wasn't sure he wanted to say it, but there it was. Dean was slightly taken aback. _

"_I don't appreciate you? You honestly believe that?" Dean knew that he wasn't the most affectionate person in the world, that him emotions were often guarded but he never believed himself to be unappreciative. _

"_Yes."_

"_Well what do you want, a formal thank you? Want me to write down everything you've ever done for me and how grateful I am?"_

"_I don't want your gratitude." Cas' voice was angry, nearly shouting but it was obvious he was trying to stay calm. "I want you to try and understand just how much I have done for you, how much I gave up." _

"_I get it Cas; you gave up your life in heaven where I'm sure the clouds are magical. But what do you want me to do with that information. I don't know what you want me to do." Dean was getting annoyed._

"_Typical" Cas spat at Dean before turning away. _

"_What is that supposed to mean?" Dean stood up and spun Cas around to face him, there was no running away from it now. _

"_I have seen enough of your movies and television shows to know that men are typically stupid when it comes to relationships. Sometimes you act so human."_

"_Newsflash Cas, I am human!" _

"_Well you never used to act like this, you were untouchable, sure you had your flaws but you never used to be so, cold."_

"_You think I'm cold? Well at least I didn't become a nagging housewife." Dean didn't really know what he was saying, he was just fighting. He didn't think of Cas as a housewife, or nagging really, not until lately at least._

"_This is exactly what I mean. You see me as a nagging wife even though I gave so much and tried so hard to be everything you needed and wanted and all you see me as is an annoyance." Dean didn't know what to say. He didn't see Cas as an annoyance, most of the time. _

"_Annoyance?"_

"_It's just the way that you treat me. You seem to resent me and this life that we have sometimes, and when we are in public you seem ashamed of me." _

"_Hey Cas, look –"_

"_I have not finished talking." Dean shut up. Cas knew how to silence Dean, of course he preferred when Cas silenced him with a kiss, but beggars can't be choosers. "Ever since I met you I knew you were a selfish, arrogant man. Yet there was something about you that drew me in. Part of it was that you were broken and I thought, foolishly, that I could be the one to fix you. But instead you pulled me down to your level. I became a rebel, I killed members of my family, and I did it because of you." Dean had heard this speech before, of course it was nice not being punched in the face while being scolded, but still hearing it now, again, felt like a punch in the guy. "I believed you to be worth it all. Things changed. We changed and I made a choice and I chose you."_

"_I never asked you to choose me." Dean snapped at Cas. _

"_You didn't have to. Dean you have idea the affect you have on some people. You make them want to be better people. I included. I was an excellent angel before I met you, and you made me want to be an excellent human instead. You used to amaze me with all your bravery and confidence. Yet there was a side of you that was sensitive, scared, and beautifully damaged. You also had this certain disregard for your own life. If you had asked I would have followed you to the end of the world – again." _

_Dean wasn't sure what to say anymore he was just staring at Cas. _

"_But the man that I fell in love with isn't here anymore. You are shade of the man you used to be. You are no longer as confident as you were, and you've closed yourself up to the world and left everyone out, including me." Dean had somehow found the chair and was sitting down. It seemed as though he had opened the floodgates and everything Cas had been holding it was just flooding out. _

"_Cas, I'm not sure what you want me to do." Cas knelt down in front of Dean and placed his hands gently on Dean's legs. Cas followed Dean's eyes until they were locked. _

"_I just want you to be you." Cas' voice was soft. Dean reached out and brought Cas' face closer to his own. _

"_I promise to try." Dean whispered before giving Cas a quick kiss. _

"_Thank you." Cas stood up and walked towards the bathroom. "Hey Dean, do you love me." Dean looked up; Cas looked so innocent and gentle standing in the bathroom door. _

"_You know I do."_

_ Cas gave him a small smile and headed into the bathroom. The phone begins ringing. _

_ "Hello?"_

_ "Hey Dean, its Sam." _

_ "Sammy! How are you doing?" Dean was relieved that Sam had called, anything to distract him from what just happened. "You and Becky still out west?_

_ "No, actually we are near you. Which is why I'm calling. We need your help Dean." Dean hadn't noticed at first but Sam sounded stressed, broken down. They must have hit a big hunt. _

_ "Yeah sure what do you need me to look up?" _

_ "It's more than that Dean, we need you to come help us. We are on to something pretty big. A nest, bigger than anything I've ever seen before. We can't take it out on our own." _

_ "Sam, you know that I don't do that anymore. I'd probably be more of a hindrance. Why not call Bobby, I'm sure that he could get you in touch with a few hunters in the area that could help you take them out." Dean was lying again. He had been keeping in shape since he quit hunting, his reflexes were amazing, Cas occasionally would let him spar with him just to keep Dean in good hunting shape, just in case. And he wanted to get back on the road, hunt some vamps. But he couldn't because he was almost 97% sure that taking off to go hunt with Sam is one of the things Cas was talking about. _

_ "Dean, I need you. I trust you, not another hunter, some random person who doesn't know me and Bec and how we hunt. We need your help, just this one time." Dean could feel that ache in his bones. He got it about once a month, for the most part he was able to ignore it, but with temptation so close he couldn't resist. _

_ "Alright, alright fine. Just this once." Dean tried to suppress his joy to be hunting again, it didn't take much because when he turned around Cas was leaning against the door looking at him. "Uh, Sam, I've got to go."_

_ "Okay, we should be in town by tomorrow, we'll just swing by." Then Sam was gone. Just him and Cas, Dean suddenly wished he had kept Sam on the phone just a little bit longer._

_ "Going hunting?" His voice was reserved. Dean knew that he was mad. _

_ "Just for a few days. Sam needs my help. " Dean knew that Cas didn't care, not that he didn't care about Sam, he just didn't care that that was the excuse Dean chose to use. _

_ "Yeah, Sam needs your help. Okay. And what about me Dean, what do you think I need?" Cas was staring him down. Dean was suddenly very nervous. _

_ "A drink?" Dean was just trying to lighten the mood, but it didn't work. The angel's features suddenly became very dark and Dean knew that it was the wrong thing to say. "Shit, alright, I'm sorry. Okay Cas, it's just Sam needs me. He rarely ever calls me for help, well I mean like physical help. And I've been aching to hunt for ages.-"_

_ "You know what, go off with Sam, see if I care." And with that he was gone. It had been a long time since Cas had disappeared like that, Dean still hated it. One minute he was there the next he was gone. He took his beer bottle and threw it against the wall. _

_ "Why not just stay and talk you stupid feathery bastard!" Dean yelled at the wall. They had been so calm just a second ago. Cas didn't even give him a chance to talk. To ask him to come with him, to say that it might be nice to get away. Of course Cas would say that it wasn't a vacation it was a job and the argument would escalate till one of them finally apologized for something. Dean would gladly do that apologizing, he didn't care. He was just sick of them fighting, over the stupidest things. _

The phone was still ringing and Dean still wasn't moving. He didn't care that it was probably Sam saying he was on his way or the store asking him if he was going to come in today. All he knew was it wasn't Cas. Fuck it all, he was going back to bed.


	8. Chapter 8

A few hours, or minutes, Dean really couldn't tell, later he was being prodded awake by Sam. "Go away." He mumbled and pulled a pillow over his head.

"Dean, come on, get up. What is with you today?" Sam probably figured it was a bad hangover or something, he'd stick with that story. No need to tell Sam about the fight.

"Don't feel good. Leave." He pointed weakly with his arm at the door of the bedroom only to see Becky standing there. Surprisingly a hunter's life suited Becky, once she got past her initial fear of guns. In fact everything about Sam and Becky surprised him, when they first met Becky she was irritating, and that was the nice of saying it. But a few years after the apocalypse they ran into her again, and for some reason there was an attraction there. Becky was everything Sam wasn't, and everything that he needed in that moment. And well the moment turned into years. When Dean left the hunting lifestyle Becky took his place. She and Sam became a pretty good team. "Hey Becky."

"Dean." She nodded at him and walked into the bedroom and sat on the edge of his bed. "Where's Castiel?"

"He's uh- out." Dean didn't even have a lie; he just wanted them to go away. "Look, I know that I said I would help but could you just leave me alone for a bit."

"Did you guys get in a fight? Do you want to talk about it?" He grabbed his pillow and threw it at Sam. "I'll take that as a no. Well, we'll go make some breakfast or something. Come down when you are ready." Dean grunted and nuzzled into his sheets. Finally he heard the door close and let himself drift into a very fitful sleep. He couldn't stay asleep for very long because images of Cas kept creeping into his dreams. Sometimes he just wished he could go back to the beginning.

Dean had been gone for two days, Cas had been gone for three. He left ten messages on Cas' phone, a note taped to the door, the fridge, the mirror in the bathroom and Cas' pillow. He hadn't heard anything. It was hard to enjoy the hunt when he didn't know where Cas was, he knew he shouldn't worry, Cas was a grown-up who could take care of himself, still. Dean worried. Sam took notice to how affected Dean was right from the start, and offered to delay a few days to give Dean time to find Cas, but Dean was too worked up in the moment to say okay. It was a very large nest, and it took a hell of a lot of work but they had enough dead man's blood, and Dean had a hell of a lot of anger so they took out the pack pretty quickly.

"Can you take me home?" Dean muttered into the trunk of Sam's car. It wasn't the impala, she was still Dean's car, but it was a respectable substitute that Dean had approved of. Sam turned to look at Dean.

"Cas?" He just knew, like he always did. Dean was glad that their relationship hadn't changed much, even though they weren't together all the time now.

"Yeah, I mean this isn't like him. Not to call."

"Must have been a pretty bad fight." Sam knew not to pry, but he was still curious.

"Yup. Now take me home."

Dean didn't know what to expect when he got back. Maybe he expected Cas to be standing in the doorway with a beer, or the kitchen to be covered with pie again, or just a hug and 'I missed you'. Any of those things would have been fine, but when Sam pulled up to their apartment all the lights were off. Just the way Dean left them.

"Hey, if something happens give us a call. We should be in town for a few more days." Sam shouted at Dean and he headed inside. Dean turned and acknowledged his brother before turning the key to his door. He didn't want to go inside, he didn't want to face the empty apartment. It was probably cold, Dean didn't like the cold. As he heard the door unlock he sighed.

"You know you might want to open the door, standing out here isn't going to do you any good." Dean stopped and turned around. There was Cas, looking fine as ever a smirk on his face.

"Cas!" Dean didn't care about anything else and he wrapped his arms around him in a very uncharacteristic fashion.

"Uh Dean, could we possibly move inside, people are staring." Dean didn't want to let go, let people stare. Cas started shuffling forward until they tripped over the doorstep and collapsed onto the floor.

"Ow!" Dean hit the floor hard. He was used to falling on the floor, but having a fully grown man fall on top of you, well it hurt. "Cas, do you mind getting off of me?"

Cas rolled over onto the floor next to Dean. "Sorry."

"It's alright, I just can't move." Dean struggled to get back to his feet. "So, where the hell have you been?"

"Uh, around." Cas was avoiding the question, that was never a good sign.

"Around huh? Anywhere specific?" Dean threw his bag on the couch and turned to face Cas who was looking strangely guilty. "Hello? Cas?"

"I took a trip." Dean rolled his eyes.

"Thanks for being specific there pal. I figured you went on a 'trip' when you popped out of here the other night. I just thought that maybe you'd like to share where the hell you went. I was worried about you." Dean didn't understand why Cas was being so secretive and strange. It was just a question.

"You really want to know where I went?" Cas walked forward, Dean's personal bubble was in grave danger of being invaded.

"Sure." Dean shrugged. "I mean if it's a big secret or something don't tell me, but I was worried about you, you didn't even call."

"I am sorry, I didn't mean to make you worry." Cas didn't sound very sincere, Dean was about ninety percent sure that was exactly Cas' intention.

"Yeah, okay." Dean walked to the bathroom. "You know Cas, if you wanted to make me worry you could have just walked out the door or something, you didn't have to zap away like that. I mean a good walk often clears the head."

"I did more than walk."

"Alright Cas, what did you do?" Dean was curious, He doubted Cas would tell him, but he would weasel it out of him the best he could. He knew of a specifically ticklish spot right under his shoulder blade where his wings would be.

"I went to the past." Cas looked at Dean, shame in his eyes.

"The past?" Dean didn't understand. Why would he want to go back to the past, why would he want to relieve all those horrible years?

"Yes. I wanted to see you, well the old you." Cas' voice was quiet, as if this was something he never wanted Dean to know. "I just needed to see you how you were before. So I went back, back to right after the apocalypse, when you were with Lisa. I just needed to see you back in those days. Then I realized something after watching you. You weren't all that different. You were damaged then and you are damaged now, maybe you are just damaged in different places."

"You went back to watch me? Cas, that is kind of creepy."

"Is it? I've been doing it for years. I used to go back to when you were a child and just make sure that you are okay. Sometimes I just go back to specific moments in time to watch you grow over the years, to understand better the man that you are today." Cas looked up at Dean, and Dean didn't know what to do.

He walked over to Cas, slung his arm around his shoulder and kissed him on the cheek. "You know Cas, that is about the creepiest thing anyone has ever done for me. I'm glad you came back."


End file.
